Manic with nothing to do…

And here I find myself, stuck for a few days in mania with nothing to do but bake, paint, sew, and find whatever else I can do to create. Thank God I don’t have much hair left because a haircut would be in order.I’m super thankful that we got a treadmill so I can walk/jog away some of my manic energy but as of right now, I’m just a busy person with nothing to do.

So this is where I am at, drawing pictures of stoned Luigi, painting picture of Daria and Princess Peach, baking a chocolate cake (that I then gave away to my bff). I’m currently impatiently waiting for my spouse to get home before the sunsets so I can drive to JoAnn’s and grab enough fabric to make a couple of maxi skirts.

When I mentioned to my bff, Laura, that I was manic, she commented on how self-aware I am of my bipolar swings. She’s not wrong. But realizing you’re in a bipolar mania (or depression, I guess) is like, knowing you’re pregnant the second time around. My putting Doritos on top of a Little Caesar’s pizza is a pretty clear indicator that I am pregnant. Also….throwing up all the time…easy sign of pregnancy for me. Some of these things that mark my manic episodes are so easy to see, too.

I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder since I was 19. Back then, I was way too busy being a dumb drunk 19 y.o. to care about taking care of my mental health. Things got easier the more and more I learned about what being bipolar actually meant. I was diagnosed as Bipolar Type I but now I am diagnosed as Bipolar type II.

And while mania may seem like a nice little burst of creative energy that a lot of people would pop some pills for, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s actually quite frustrating and can be very harmful to one’s health. I’m thankful that, at age 32, things have balanced out for me a bit and my manias aren’t as extreme as they used to be when I was younger. I’m very thankful for it. A lot of people who suffer through Bipolar Mania have to deal with the challenges of substance abuse, promiscuity and dangerous sexual interactions, irritation, speaking faster than normal, a new sense of self-confidence (often misplaced), racing thoughts, spending sprees, poor decision making, lack of sleep (such as insomnia), etc.

This is kind of a hard thing to go through when I’m married and have two young children to care for as I cannot just up and do something that my manic brain tells me because I have the responsibility of two small kids and a marriage to stay faithful in. Alcohol (and drugs) can make all these things worse. Of course, channeled in the right way, this can be incredibly fun for my spouse and my kids but it’s always excruciating for me because my mind never settles. That’s kind of the whole reason I wrote this post in the first place.

So where to next? Maybe baking a loaf of bread is in my near distant future. Maybe I’ll finally be able to get to Joann’s and buy some fabric to work on some skirts. And while I love to cook, cooking dinner like I do almost every night, doesn’t quite appeal to me as much today. Maybe I’ll post again in the next day or two with some pictures of my creations.

Be Well.